When Staying Home Isn’t the Dream: Honoring the Unexpected Path

I’ve wanted to write this blog for months now. It is something that has been heavy on my heart and challenging to put to words, but a few weeks ago at SCOLT, I started to open up about the challenges of this past year. Then, last weekend in my keynote at Mitten CI I shared even more openly and realized this conversation, this blog, is super important. 

Perhaps my most popular and “visited” blog I’ve ever written was one about being a World Language Teacher Mom who was navigating motherhood for the first time. This blog is very similar. I hope it is supportive to you, or someone you know but more importantly, I hope it is a reminder that everyone’s journey as a parent is wildly different, and that is ok. 

Being a parent is HARD

The comparison game is REAL, but we don’t have to do it, in fact, when we free ourselves from the HEAVY weight of comparison, we open ourselves up to be the truly JOYful grounded parents that our children deserve. 

If you’d have told me in November that I was going to talk candidly to my global audience about the ups and downs of this year, I would’ve NEVER believed you. That’s for a LOT of reasons. Here are three of them: 

1. The thought of being honest with you would be embarrassing, and I worried it would sound pathetic compared to the challenges you’re facing in your classroom this year. I had ugly voices in my head telling me that my “struggles” were not valid enough to share because I was the one who chose to quit my job so I could take a year out of the classroom to be with my baby.
2. There are MILLIONS of parents who would give ANYTHING to do what I’ve done this year and spend every waking moment with their beautiful new born babe…..Who am I to share challenges or complain?
3. It is embarrassing… You hear story after story of rock star mommies who, after having their 1st, 2nd, or 3rd child decide to leave the classroom and only return after their youngest is in pre-school. They make the cookies, make the dinners, create the BEST lunches, ALL of the things my mommy did… I haven’t heard of or spoken with ANYONE who shared the same struggles, internal conflicts, and challenges that I’ve felt this year.

Until…

I really started speaking about it.

Let me start with this. Little bebé loca is glorious. She is a JOY personified. She is delicious, chill, easy peasy, funny, intuitive, inquisitive, observant, and one of my most proud accomplishments. I adore every inch of her and just can’t get enough!

AND….

I am bored out of my mind….

I am SO freaking lonely….

I feel trapped….

I feel like I have no purpose….

I feel like I’ve lost or abandoned a HUGE part of my soul, my identity….

I’ve ALWAYS cautioned teachers I coach and mentor within La Familia Loca PLC to not make Teaching the only part of their identity and while it isn’t the only part of mine, I didn’t realize what a HUGE part of my identity it is!

I am a teacher.

To my core!

And I feel so secure in that now.

AND

I am also a Mommy!

When I made the decision to step away from the classroom for a year and stay home with Fifi, I had countless people tell me that they were certain I’d discover I LOVE the freedom of being at home, and LOVE the ability to make way better money consulting with way less hours invested, and most of these friends, family members, and colleagues were SURE I’d never choose to return to the classroom. 

If I’m honest, I wasn’t sure what I expected

What I know now is, within 3 months, I knew I missed my classroom in a DEEPLY profound way. 

I missed the community that gets created in each period that is so unique and different from the one preceding it and the one right after.

I missed the community of my colleagues and the relationships and friendships that were fostered each day throughout the day.

I DESPERATELY missed the routine and structure of my day- to-day and the necessity to get up, get dressed, and BE somewhere at a certain time looking somewhat put together because tiny humans needed you. (I think a LOT of this also has to do with my ADHD, and I NEED structure in my day, and structure that I am not in control or in charge of)

My sweet tiny human at home was FINE with me being in pajamas all day. My boobs make milk either way, and my smile and voice makes her giggle regardless of how disheveled my hair looks. 

Loving her was not the issue

She’s delish; she’s impossible NOT to love! 

But, the hole in my stomach grew each week until I practically imploded in January! I couldn’t stop thinking of ALL the parents who told me how much they LOVED being home with their kids and how something MUST be wrong with me… 

It was my husband who first forced me to speak up honestly about how I was feeling. It was New Year’s Eve night and I’ll never forget it. I was SOBBING uncontrollably in my car in the driveway of our friend’s house as we waited to go in to join their celebration. He said “I don’t know how to help you, but I DO know we can’t do another year of this. YOU NEED your classroom and you HAVE to go back in the fall”.

I was shook. I had NO idea he knew what I was struggling with. I was TERRIFIED to admit to my husband that I was missing my kids, my class, my colleagues, and teaching. I mean, I’m at home with OUR beautiful baby. 

Hearing him affirm me, and KNOW, what I needed without me even saying it, 1. Made me love him even more (I mean come ON! Esposo loco is the literal best and that affirmation was just sexy AF) 2. Made it safe enough for me to feel like I could start looking and thinking about job opportunities.

I recorded a podcast which you can listen to here, all about that process, where I am now with it, and how my THERAPIST was the one who convinced me to REALLY go big and apply to LOTS of jobs to find the perfect fit for ME.

In this podcast, I also share ways YOU can identify YOUR non-negotiables and really think about, if you put your teacher loyalty aside, are you REALLY growing where you are???? Or do you need to be uprooted and planted elsewhere in order to truly flourish… give it a listen…

During this process I realized something profound

I had a six and a half hour interview last week. Did you re-read that to make sure you read it right?!?! Haha! Yes! Six and a half hours…  It went really well. My favorite parts?? The TWO demo classes I had the opportunity to teach. One was an 8th grade honors Spanish class, and the other was a 6th grade Spanish class. My heart felt like it was dancing. When I left, I cried tears of JOY, literally, and then picked up my kiddos from a friend’s house.
When we got home, we had a dance party, I cooked WHILE playing with them, and little things that Memphis or our dog Mickey were doing that normally made me feel super irritable, didn’t even phase me. I was in SUCH an AMAZING mood. I was riding such an adrenaline high! I felt FULL of gratitude for the day I had and the JOY I felt teaching those kiddos!

Then guilt hit me like a TON of BRICKS; I realized that my sweet little girl Ophelia had never truly experienced this side of me. This “me” that is the most authentic me. This JOYful Mommy Me. Wow!

I learned then that it is OK for me to want to go back to the classroom. I want to be that Mommy EVERY day,  for her AND for Memphis, AND for Isla, AND for Paul.

But most of all for ME!

Because I deserve to feel really, really fulfilled as my WHOLE self… and my teacher identity is a part of that.

AND…

I don’t need to compare myself to those mommies who LOVED staying home with their babies for years. I also don’t need to compare myself to those mommies who are entrepreneurs at home WITH ADHD and somehow make it work (but really though, how the flip flops do they do it!??!?!)

What I DO need to do is ground myself in my values, my truths, and my non-negotiables and find something that is best for ME next year.

what is best for me will also be best for my family

Now, do I know that going back to the classroom will be full of challenges and not EVERY day is going to feel like that day did?!? Duh, Y’all, this is literally the world’s hardest job.

But, I am excited for what’s ahead. Side note and shameless plug, I created an epic resource for La Familia Loca PLC and for myself through this job hunt process. If you want a workbook to ground yourself in your purpose, values, and non-negotiables and consider “uprooting yourself” and finding somewhere new to flourish… check this out)

I hope that this blog helped you, or maybe made you stop and think about how you react to a mommy or a parent who decides to go back to work after just a short while with their child, or perhaps stop and think before you react or judge a parent who decides to leave their career behind and be a stay at home parent.

Our journeys are unique and each of them is valid

I am grateful for you.  I am grateful for your support. I am grateful for what you do for your students. I am grateful for who you are, and I am GRATEFUL to be part of YOUR unique journey!

With profound gratitude, 

Annabelle

(La Maestra Loca and bebé loca) – phew! If you made it to the end, well done you! Thanks for sticking it out with me. I really really needed to write this!